I’m completely wiped out, but honestly, I’m just glad I at least got my foot in the door.
It’s the reality of being at the very bottom of a film set hierarchy—long, grueling days where you’re invisible unless someone needs something. You’re constantly running on no sleep, no thanks, and barely enough food or water, questioning why you’re even there. It’s a mix of physical exhaustion, quiet humiliation, and the faint hope that enduring it might eventually lead to something better.

I’m so tired I can feel it in my bones. The alarm went off at 3:45 AM again. I don’t even know why I bother setting it; I wake up before it goes off, panicking about call time. I threw on the same black hoodie I’ve worn all week. It smells like sweat and coffee but whatever—nobody cares what I look like.

When I got to basecamp it was pitch dark. The key PA didn’t even look at me, just handed me signs and said, “Lock down the street.” So I stood there for hours. Literally hours. My toes went numb in my shoes. People kept asking me why the street was closed like I have any authority. One guy yelled at me for “ruining his morning commute.” I just smiled because what else can I do?
Then came the coffee run. Of course it was wrong. Of course they didn’t say thanks. I don’t think I’ve heard “thank you” once this whole shoot.

I barely ate today. By the time it was “my turn” for lunch, the food was cold and soggy. I ate standing behind a trash can while the AD screamed at someone over the walkie. I swear that radio has become part of my skull. I can still hear it ringing in my head even now. 

I can’t even describe how much my body hurts. My shoulders from carrying cable. My feet from standing in one spot for hours. My hands are dry and cracked from the cold. I drank maybe two cups of water all day because I was too scared to leave my post. 

And the hours... god, the hours. We wrapped at midnight, but I still had to clean up the trash and take down the signs. It was almost 1:30 AM when I left. I drove home in silence because even music feels like too much noise right now. I didn’t shower. I just collapsed in bed.

And for what? I’m not even sure anymore. Nobody knows my name. I’m just “hey, PA.” I’m invisible unless something goes wrong. I keep telling myself this is temporary, that everyone starts here, but some days it feels like I’m just grinding myself into nothing. 

Tomorrow’s call time is 4:30 AM. I’ll get maybe 3 hours of sleep. And then I’ll do it again. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.